Misconceptions About Long Distance Relationships (Debunked)

Long distance relationships have always carried a stigma. Often times these preconceived notions are completely false.

Here are some misconceptions people have about long distance relationships:

1. Long distance relationships are easy

Long distance relationships are anything but easy. Many believe that just because you are not together there will be less conflicts and it would be much easier to maintain a relationship. Truth is, the lack time spent face-to-face can result in serious miscommunications which can then lead to even more arguments than an average couple has. Often, it is believed that you do not need to change your lifestyle for a long distance relationship, but every relationship requires compromise, just in different areas. These compromises may not be about who does the chores on what day, but they have to be made about who has to leave their family behind in order to spend a holiday together. They eventually have to be made about who is moving where in order to break the distance. The compromises made can be considered even more difficult to make than those of short distance relationships.

2. They are not a big financial commitment

Just because you do not have the ability to go out to dinner or to the movies together, does not mean that long distance relationships are less costly than average relationships. Between sending packages, booking flights, and other expenses, long distance relationships can be serious financial commitments. There are, of course, ways to ensure you get lower prices, however, it is still a big financial commitment. Not to mention phone bills and the fact that international couples have to deal with the costs of the visa process.

3. They do not work out long-term

There are few things more frustrating than being told that your relationship, that you pour so much effort into, will not work out no matter how hard you try. "Why do they assume this?" you may ask. Just because you live far apart, people will assume that your relationship is destined to end and will never make it very far. Many long distance couples have gone on to live together, get married, and even have kids! It is not impossible, it just takes a lot of work.

4. There is minimal communication needed/involved

Luckily in the 21st century, it is easier than ever to communicate with people from all over the world. We have texting, instant messaging, phone calls, Facetime, Skype, good old fashion snail mail, and plenty more ways to communicate through long distances. These methods are used often by and are vital for long distance relationships. It is unbelievably easy to encounter miscommunications when you're not talking to someone face-to-face so individuals in long distance relationships must be willing to put effort forth to communicate as effectively as possible, especially if there is a language barrier.

5. All long distance relationships are international

Many long distance relationships that are shown in the media, often through shows such as 90 Day Fiance, are international. However, they are not the only kind of long distance relationships. The words "long distance" mean different distances to different people. In my opinion, a distance that inhibits your ability to see each other relatively often, can be considered long. The distance between California and Massachusetts is obviously a long distance, despite being in the same country. It can also be argued that New Jersey to Massachusetts is a long distance too (that's still a 5 hour drive!). Even though non-international couples do not have to jump over the hurdles of the visa process, they still qualify as being long distance.

6. Cheating is common and acceptable

I would not recommend saying this to anyone in a long distance relationship unless you want them to go on a lengthy rant and make you feel like a jerk. This is an extremely common misconception that can get anyone in a long distance relationship really fired up. Although there is the exception of open relationships (short distance relationships can also fall under this category) the vast majority of long distance relationships are monogamous and extremely dedicated. People may argue "oh but it's so much easier to cheat from a distance without the other person knowing" but when you work so hard to stay together and invest so much time and money into one person, you're not likely to give all of that up in the name of lust. It is probably easier to get away with it, but who wants to destroy a relationship that took so much work to develop in the first place? When you put so much into a relationship, you're more likely to avoid temptations and fight to stay together, not less likely.

7. Long distance relationships are a scam

Yes, there are awful people on the internet who catfish or pretend to love someone to get their money or a visa, but this should not lead to the generalization and stigmatization that "all long distance relationships are a scam." These kinds of "long distance relationships" may seem to be more common than legitimate relationships due to the dramatization and increased amount of attention these horror stories attract in the media (especially through the TV shows 90 Day Fiance and Catfished). Most long distance relationships develop from genuine love and should receive the respect that any other couple would get, regardless of what is shown in the media.

8. Long distance relationships are formed out of desperation

This is yet another super annoying one to hear. Just because you fell in love with someone who you can't physically be with, doesn't mean you are desperate. Often long distance relationships start when you are least expecting to get into a relationship. Maybe you met someone abroad, your significant other moved away for work, or you fell in love with your pen-pal, like I did. Regardless, it doesn't make you desperate to date someone despite the distance. It makes you stronger and more emotionally mature to be able to look past all the things you may miss out on (dates, holidays together, etc.) and still decide that they are worth the commitment.

In conclusion:
Long distance relationships face tons of stigma, often perpetuated by the negative ways in which they are portrayed in the media. It's important for people in long distance relationships to stay strong and not ignore the incorrect assumptions people make. Instead, correct them and help them better understand what long distance relationships are really like. If you are not in a long distance relationship, don't stigmatize those who are. Instead, ask questions and do not assume what you see in the media is true.

The Disadvantages of Being in a Long Distance Relationship (And How to Deal With Them)

Long distance relationships can be some of the strongest relationships, but they do not come without their fair share of struggles...

1. You may often feel lonely

When you spend so much time apart, it's natural to develop feelings of loneliness, even when you're not alone. Your partner is your other half and no amount or quality of friends can fill the hole you feel in your heart when they're not with you. These feelings of loneliness can creep up on you at any time and they can be quite overwhelming and hard to suppress. Don't be ashamed of how you feel, even if you feel lonely in the presence of other people. Opening up to those people about how you feel can be freeing and they may even have advice that can help you feel better.

2. You are bound to miss out on each other's important events

The unfortunate reality of living separate lives is that, whether you like it or not, your schedules may not align in a way that will allow you to attend each other's important events. I remember being really upset when I couldn't attend my boyfriend's gradation because my school had scheduled finals on the same day. Do not sacrifice going to something mandatory like finals or something you care really deeply about, to go attend your significant other's event unless you have fully analyzed the pros and cons first. There will be pros and cons for every decision you have to make in regards to scheduling. Recognize that despite being in a relationship, you don't have to sacrifice everything you care about in your own life. There will always be other important events that they will be able to attend so don't get too hung up on any one event. Also, do not get angry at your partner for choosing to attend their important event over yours. It was probably a really hard choice for them to make and they may even feel guilty enough on their own. They don't need to feel even worse than they already do. You are a team after all and need to work together, especially during hard times.


3. You won't always have their shoulder to cry on when you need it

Whether it was a long hard day at school or work, or you had an argument with someone, your significant other may not always be physically present or even able to be reached when you need them. To prepare for this inevitable scenario, do not treat them as your sole support system and rely on them for everything. Your family and friends can be just as good when it comes to listening to your issues and giving you advice on them. Confide in other people that you feel comfortable sharing your struggles with and they can help get you through your initial issues and stress, even if you don't think they're as good at giving advice. Later on, when your partner is available, you will be able to share your issues with them. However, you may even feel better by then and not feel the need to tell them, which can be even better! Instead of having to wait for help or address the stressful topic multiple times, you can move on to more lighthearted topics, diminishing some of your stress as a couple. Of course, don't avoid asking your partner for advice, but definitely have a plan in place if they're not available.


4. There may be days where you are unable to talk at all

Especially with couples in different time zones, this can be really hard to cope with. You may end up falling asleep when your partner is waking up, working when your partner is returning home, or going out when your partner is staying in. There is bound to be a day where you and your partner are unable to talk for a full day. Although it can be really difficult to accept this as a reality, especially during a hard day, it is likely to happen at some point. Be sure to stay calm and remind yourself that just because they're not talking, doesn't necessarily mean that something bad happened, they're mad at you, they had some sort or emergency, or they're cheating on you. Take it for what it is: they are too busy at the moment to talk. Absolutely do not make assumptions about something being wrong or them being hurt. Those thoughts can cloud your judgement and fill you with lots of anxiety.

5. You may feel resentful towards other couples

When someone has something that you wish you had (their partner by their side) sometimes you can't help but feel jealous and even resentful. This is normal and you shouldn't be mad at yourself for how you feel, however, it's not healthy to outwardly take out your resentment towards other couples. Remember that they are not causing you to be apart from your significant other and they can't control the fact that they're together anymore than you can control being apart; distance just happens or it doesn't. Redirect your emotions towards something more positive, whether that be working out or trying really hard in a hobby. Pride is a far more satisfying feeling than jealousy.

6. Technology is important, but may not always work in your favor

I know that I personally struggle with having a horrible WiFi connection. Often, my boyfriend is just a lagging fuzzy blob on my screen which can be really hard when I need to talk to him face to face or he's trying to show me something. Cell service can also be pretty spotty in certain areas. As frustrating as it is, sometimes you don't have a choice but to settle for a phone call or even just a text. Once again, avoid feelings of resentment and recognize that it isn't their fault and that they probably want to see you face to face just as badly. Stay calm and just go with the flow.

7. Traveling can be annoying and costly

Even when you live in the same country, flights can come with a large price tag. If you can drive there, gas is still expensive. Not to mention the inconvenience of being on the road for hours of waiting for a delayed flight. The best way to combat this is to hope for the best but plan for the worst. If you're driving: have extra money on you just in case, make sure you have plenty of music ready to play, program your GPS early, and leave before or after rush hour. If you're flying/taking a train/bus: also have extra money on you, pack a pillow to be extra comfortable, be sure you have your phone charger in an easy to access part of your bag, bring a portable battery in case a port isn't accessible, pack headphones, download some Netflix shows/movies, set up a playlist. There are so many things you can do to ensure that you're prepared. In terms of the price: explore all the different discount flight services (Expedia, Travelocity, @JetBlueCheeps on twitter, etc). Check out websites that can predict whether flight costs will go up or down (such as Hopper) and snag your flights at the lowest price.

8. Misunderstandings are far more likely

When your main form of communication is text, misunderstandings can be quite common. It can be hard to extract tone of voice, sarcasm, humor, intention, facial expressions, and more, from a simple text message. Even phone calls can lead to misunderstandings. Only your partner truly knows how they intended their words to be read so give them the benefit of the doubt and don't make accusations that they meant something that they truly hadn't. Ask for clarification and give them the chance to better explain what they meant.

9. Arguments may last longer

Due to more frequent misunderstandings, arguments are more likely to be drawn out and unresolved, instead, just dying out because you get sick of arguing. For long distance couples, it's not like you can show up at their door with their favorite movies and snacks to ask for forgiveness. "I'm sorry" gifts aren't likely to make it to their door until long after the argument has ended. Flower delivery services are expensive. You can't just give your partner a meaningful hug and a kiss or an "I'm sorry" with eye contact. Sadly you often have to settle for a text or phone call apology, which can be hard to draw meaning from. Words are just not as powerful as actions, but they couldn't take those actions, even if they wanted to. Try to avoid phrases like "that's not good enough." They would likely do better than just a sorry if they were physically and financially able to. You just have to work with what you can get. If you don't feel like their apology is good enough, ask them to clarify what they are sorry for, so that you know the apology is genuine and heartfelt.

In conclusion:

Long distance relationships can come with a long list of cons which may or may not be deal-breakers to you. Assess each con carefully and decide whether or not the person you are interested in is worth that potential sacrifice. It's also important to remember that each couple has a unique situation and different struggles. You may have more or less issues than another long distance couple. Do not anticipate that you will face every single issue that another couple dealt with, but be prepared to address issues that other couples have faced. There are ways to make every con seem less damaging/deal-breaking, but regardless of that, everyone is different and can/can't handle certain things. Do not get into/stay in a relationship that you can not handle the cons of. It will only be more damaging in the long run. If you do get into/stay in a long distance relationship, be ready to combat these issues together as a team. Do not let the disadvantages discourage you from pursuing a relationship you think is worthwhile.